What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? WATAAHHHHH! No Bruce Lee’s not in this movie. I know I should have waited to use that on a Bruce Lee review or at least a Ring of Fire review (the movie I stole that joke from). CHOP SOCKY! Chinese Super Ninja is 95% fighting, there are no less than 14 fight scenes in the movie. It kicked my ass 6 ways till Sunday and then fucked me and didn’t even get my phone number afterward! Ready to get your ass kicked? Let’s get on with this…

 

Chinese Super Ninja starts the way a lot of Kung Fu flicks do, with an argument. I’m not gonna lie to you, I didn’t bother to learn anyone’s names. There’s no need. Guy in white = good, guy in black = bad flying fists, crazy weapons, splattered blood, repeat. The bad guy says his kung fu is better, but the good guy says HIS kung fu is better. I know how you can settle this: FIGHT!!!! They fight and for some reason a bunch of the best fighters from the good guy circle have to take on the five elemental ninjas. The elements are; Gold, Wood, Water, Fire, and Earth. They never once explain what the elements mean, but fuck it, you don’t need to know.

 

So these good brothers fight the elements and get destroyed, sliced, diced, and served up as fresh sashimi as an insult to their Chinese heritage. One survives and makes it his quest to become the best Chinese Super Ninja he can be. He finds himself a sifu who teaches him the ways of the Super Ninja! Which apparently means, learning just enough to get him past the five elemental ninjas. He gains three new brothers and takes it upon himself to personally issue a challenge to the baddie! It’s a four on five elements BATTLE TO THE DEATH!

 

It’s actually kinda funny how much this plays out like a video game. There are stages and boss battles and weird tactics and strategy needed to beat each new set of enemies. The final boss is one tough motherfucker so keep an eye out for that battle as well as the guy who gets drawn and quartered! Tons of blood and some of the best choreographed fight scenes I’ve ever seen. Chinese Super Ninja is a shining example of the kind of material the Shaw Brothers put out and completely worth the watch!

 

5 Elemental Ninjas out of 5

 

Drink up! We’ve got movies to watch.

Moe